Okay were do I start. I decided the other week to make my blog private but ever since doing that I have received so many emails of support, encouragement, friendship and love from so many of you that love visiting my blog and reading what I am up to and what is happening in my life. I can't seem to keep up with the emails to give access to people and to assure so many of you that it wasn't personal, it was more about how I was feeling.
I made my blog private because I guess I was doing a Jane, I was doing a runner from people that don't know me or my situation but felt they could attack me anonymously on a blog. I know I shouldn't let things like that get to me and accept that not everyone is going to like or understand you and well that is just life everyone has a right to there opinion. But it came at a really bad time in my life and well I just cowarded down and hide from the world. It's probably not the best way to handle it and everyone is entitled to there opinion but yep it hurt, it hurt a lot and to best honest I have been thinking a lot about what was said about me on that smack blog.
I don't always have a lot of time to keep in contact with friends it's true, I am often slack on emails or returning phone calls and I forget things all the time. I don't have excuses for that but so thankful to the people that really know me and understand that it is never personal it's just how my life is at the moment, well has been ever since I decided to care for my parents. I do try so hard to keep up and keep things going but sometimes my body aches, my head aches and it's just so hard to keep it together.
The last few weeks have been hard, my Dad (Willy) has been up and down like a yoyo and the other day I woke up and went into his room to see that his whole left side of his face had dropped and he has had another stroke. The shock and the feeling of complete helplessness completely shattered me. I know his not well that isn't the shock, it's that he doesn't laugh much anymore, he doesn't smile, he doesn't communicate, his off his food it's like his spark has died. I have had the dr here and he doesn't believe in his opinion that we should try and treat dad. Dad's kidney's are failing and well his just slipping more and more every day.
For the last 12 months I have struggled to keep things together to keep up with my friends, to keep the washing, cooking, cleaning, shopping everything done and take care of him. I have struggled with accepting that my Mum has been diagnosed with Dementia too and that she is getting frail and terrified that I will have to go through this all over again with her. But more so I am struggling with how am I going to cope when I go into there room to find one of them gone. I have nightmares about it, I can't sleep it just plays on my mind 24/7.
Someone once said hey she is at home all day long she has heaps of time to scrap...oh gosh I wish you could see what my day consisted of and how I get to scrap only at night cause I can't sleep and it takes my mind off what lies ahead for me, I figure if I don't sleep then I will hear him if he needs me or that I won't have to wake up to find my Dad has passed away. I took up scrapping again to keep me busy to keep my minds of getting sad and to try and stay positive. I am terrified to my core to find my Dad has passed away, I don't want to be the one to find him, I don't want to be the one to have to tell my Mum who sleeps in the same room, I don't want to have to make that call to my brothers. I just don't want to face it but I know I have no choice.
My heart is ripped into a million pieces. I am the parent now and I feel like I am losing the child that I never had, my Dad depends on me to survive, to feed him, shower him his like a newborn baby that needs all your care. How do I let go of that? How do I find a way to cope with losing him? How do I start my life again after all is said and done? What will I do when I feel like his such a huge part of my life, my everyday revolves around him. I am terrified to let go.
I have probably said too much for a public blog and I am not doing it for sympathy but more so to say that the hurtful things said about me about how I think I am shit hot and how I neglect my friends and can't keep them or how I try to make a name for myself in the scrap world or how I am so into myself, well all of that is so untrue. I don't think I am shit hot oh far from it, you only have to ask the people close to me how hard I am on myself and never think that my work is good enough. I don't want a name for myself in the scrap world, things have just happened which I have been so fortunate about but at the end of the day if it didn't happen that is fine I love just being able to scrap for myself but more so to scrap about my parents so I can remember everything. I don't think I am shit hot or Queen Jane, hahahahah I wish I was then I would be fine to handle the way my life has turned out.
As for neglecting my friends that I am sorry, I am sorry I don't have time to chat more often and that I take ages to get back to emails that sometimes I couldn't meet my committments. I know my friends will smack me in the head for this but I want them to know that never a day goes by that I don't think how lucky I am to have such wonderful people in my life that understand me and accept me and yes put up with my shit all the time but always there for me supporting me or just listening to me cry in there ears over the phone.
Nothing I have done has been personal or to hurt anyone, but I made a decision to take care of my Dad till his last breath and sometimes that task takes everything I have to just get through one day. It's not an excuse it's just the way my life is for now and you know I don't regret it for one second and would do it all over again because I will never get any of these times with my Dad back once his gone.
I would give up every DT gig, every publication, ever piece of paper, every glue stick yes even the mounting tape to have my Dad back, where he knows who I am and I can go to him and confide in him and have him tell me everything will be okay. Just to have him be there for me like I see so many other people who have there parents, for me it's the other way around I am the parent. That is where I have relied on my friends, my brothers and yes my scrapping to fill in the gap in my life. I only ever started scrapping again to try and bring back something positive in my life but after all this the whole meaning of scrapping and the enjoyment and fun has deteriorated for me.
I know that by me even posting all this it won't make a difference to those that hate me enough to post such awful things on the smack blog and nothing I will say will change that. You know I was so angry at you whoever you are, but in the big scheme of things it doesn't matter what you think of me. I have tried to live my life right, to make the right decisions and to always try and be there for people that need me the most. You may not understand that about me and I guess you never will because you have judged me regardless of what you know about me and that's okay cause it's true you are entitled to your opinion. Really you can say what you want but I know in my heart where my priorities lie and what matters most in my life right now and that is to make sure my Dad knows how much I love him and no matter how terrified I am I will see this through till the end at whatever cost, yep even if it means I get smacked about it.
This post will probably bite me in the arse for those that hate me, but it's ok do what you have to, if it makes you feel better to do that to me, I can't stop you or control it. Yes you do hurt me I won't deny it but nothing you can say or do can hurt me or make me sadder than looking into my dad's eyes and knowing I have to say goodbye to him one day soon.
Gosh I didn't want this to be so long or sound like one big sob story but it's just splattering out of my head onto the keyboard. I will keep my blog open more so for all the wonderful people that have just been so amazing to me and who do get inspiriation from what I post and for all those that have supported me for so long, if I can give something back that is what is important.
Now if you read all that, far out your have the patience of a saint wahahahahah yep always end in laughter and a smile.
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